- Lock my life with you ;

Thursday, July 30, 2009

here then, i realise that my blog actually had been dead for few month.
i got pretty much to update but just too lazy.
anyway, bear with me with the long post in this entry. and i promise i will update frequently.

seriously i am mentally tired with everything. everyday i got to play pretend to make myself smile. yes, its tough.
be it school, work, family, friends and relationship. everything isnt going on smoothly for me. i seriously think 2oo9 is a bad year for me.
my luck for this year is totally bad. perhaps they say this year for dragon is not a good year, be it everything. i am not supersitious but somehow its true.

school. times flies. its coming to an end very soon. the moment i have been waiting for. i am happy because i dont have to torture and drag myself
to school every single day due to facing those sick faces in class. i am sad because although its just 6 months, there is stories behind it.
and not forgetting the new friends i make in class and not forgetting the old ones, such as my working colleagues, ex-ite school mates and 8 years friend. all the best to you guys.

work. its pretty messy. the management getting bad to worst. the grooming standard becoming stricter and stricter. not forgetting i am being
sent back home due to my poor grooming. its the first time after working for 4 year plus. damn it. honestly, in general i think they are getting too much.
anyway its just my part time job. sooner or later i will leave. so for the sake of money, i got to endure. however, i still enjoy working with some people.
you guys are those that brighten up my days at work. money might not be everything, but definitely important to survive.

family. those who know me well will know about my background. i shall not elaborate much over here. my mum, she meant well,
but i think otherwise, i understand whatever she say is for my own good, she really care and concern a lot for me. but perhaps i'm just rebellious.
but no matter what i do, i wil think through whether its right or wrong. so ya, i am still making my mother worry and worry despite of anything.
cause i dont share my personal things with her. but i am sure one day she will understand.

friends. after going through nearly up to 21 years of my life, i been through a lot. how rebellious i am in the past but not to the extend of committing any crime.
i always tell myself or my friends, one doesnt need a lot of friends. so what if you go anywhere, you saw familiar faces and you say hi to them, doesnt mean you are popular.
reason because they are literally your friends. only inside my heart know who are my true friend. just the few will do. they never failed to be there to let me share my thoughts with.
listen to my whining, giving me advice, console me and standby me. thats what i asked for. simple isnt it? i dont need hypocrites friends. those only bring harm to me.
however, sometimes i still disappointed in certain friend. i am sorry to say its hard for me to trust anybody now. after several incident i been through. it hurts.

relationship. i am stuck in that hole. i always have to play pretend to make myself smile. and make everybody assume everythings is fine. yes, reality is always harsh.
the truth is always hurt. no matter what we still have to face it. i am always weak when come to relationship. its hard for me to trust, took up the courage
to commit in anything after the past lesson i learnt. actions speak louder than words. i hate empty promise. cause it hurts.
how much effort i put in, how much i have sacrifice, sometimes i think i really need to get myself a reflection, is it worth it?
i hate to show the unhappy side of me to other people. to be simple, i am just putting a mask so as to cover myself.
i think i failed miserably.

i am tired. seriously tired. who is there for me? not forgetting those who are always there. you guys know who you are.
am i really fated not to have any happiness in any where?

the scars remind me of that past is just a dream.

Blogged @ 11:59 PM
Don't let me go -

Monday, May 11, 2009

confusion, lost, depressed, disappointed, the state of mind i am often in now. for all the things i going through now. i dont know how long it will stay but i am trying hard to be strong. love is a confusion. its like going into a war. i hope things will turn better as the days goes by. i am sorry.

been busy with work the whole week of my holiday. its very tiring but the collecting the hard earn money definitely worth the effort. i have been doing wedding dinner for almost the whole week. really envy them. i believed all couple went through a lot before coming to the tie of a knot. sometimes i am thinking, how long down the road i will be walking onto the red carpet and who will be the guy whom i will walk down the aisle with.

at a blink of an eyes, school reopen today. the beginning of the new term which is also the last term in the course. though i am so reluctant to attend school, just hope that days passes quickly. two more month please move on fast!

i am not going to stop here. i have no mood in continue blogging. update next post. bye.

nothing is gonna make me smile.
or rather i dont know how to.
takecare.

Blogged @ 11:55 PM
Don't let me go -

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

i hate the way i am feeling now
i dislike being alone
and only if he is there for me right now
that would sastify me

sunday is my first day returning back to work after nearly two months. glad to see those regular faces. suppose to work until 11pm but ended up helping up hisam with OT. its a good thing. i can earn more money and in the same time occupy myself with thing. next working day tml.

last night, i cried so hard. i am totally lost. i will never forget this incident. this is my first time going through it. seriously i am utterly disappointed and pain. tears just cant stop flowing down. i cried more harder and harder. i dont wish to be seen as such a person in your eyes. i knew that its no point saying this now as everything had been solved. still i couldnt digest the facts though i knew that my inner conscience is very clear. i know you are trying to get an answer to it despite of your harsh way of asking. during this two month i never lie to you before. i understand you well though its just short period. you know i hate liars and i dont like to hide thing. same goes to you. we have the same thoughts. last night incident made me come to a several thoughts. all along am i really such a person in your eyes? do you really have the trust in my words? sigh.i had already explained everything. i am sorry for marking an awful comments on her. you will never get to know whether if she did betray you behind.

sometimes i wonder, why god put us in such situation? perhaps back then we couldnt understand why each other did the things we did or understand howeach other felt. and how things turned out to be in this way. i always believe everything happen for a reason. nobody to be blamed. and for that,i am sorry. sorry to be is always a hardest and saddest word. humans will only learn to cherish when they lose something important to them.

lastly before i forgotten, ever since last week, i have decided to remove my nickname. no more xiaohui but jiahui. the reason i wouldnt mention much over here. i wanna be a better person and not bothering about those stuff anymore. all those are the past. i believe everyone goes through different stages in lifes. we experience a lot of things, and every stage in lifes will always be a lesson learnt. i will never regret things that i chose to do thus i will never regret removing my nickname. people who know me will be shock to see this?

there is so many things i wanted to say to you. but i just couldnt pharse it out verbally. i do not have the courage nor confidence. one day i will tell you everything what i would want to say. but nevertheless, i hope i am the one whom is your last love. love is complicated but nothing is impossible.

to watch you, to guide you through the darkest of your days
just wanna go through the bad and good life together ahead.
the path would be tough, i believe given time, we will make it through.
therefore, i pray that things will turn better each day. god bless.

Blogged @ 11:59 PM
Don't let me go -

Saturday, May 2, 2009

i had entered a world of questions
answers to be sought and found
inside my heart was all chaos
and the fear within me

i am back after disappearing for two weeks. finally this critical EXAM period is over. i do not know what the outcome would be like. no matter what i knew that i already put in my best and effort in revising throughout the night. good luck to me and my friends.

i admit this two weeks are full with mixture of feelings. be it stress, lost, mentally breakdown, tired and the unhappiness in me. and i told myself during that critical period not to let the stress in me to affect me from focusing so i tried not to think. finally now exam is over and thus i am down with one stress. but not the rest. sigh.

i am sorry to ade gal. siyuan and edward. for the incident that happened. i am sorry to let you all worried. thanks for being by my side and encouraging me to look on the better side and focus on exam and putting the thing aside until exam had ended. sorry marmie for worrying and bringing me to the clinic. and ade gal's cousin who came to visit me during that period. thanks all those who care. i had already recovered from it and the actions will never be forgotten.
and p.s ; i never regret what i had done.

after so long, tomorrow i will be returning back to work. i am having one week holiday. perhaps its time for me to disappear and get tied down with work so as i will get myself tired and do some planning. i need money. there is so much things i want to do. despite of my busy schedule ahead, i will still pick up some of my time to update the blog. i am glad that there is still two friend who tagged and awaiting for my post. i appreciate. for those who did pass by, do leave a tag behind and let me know. there is so much things that happen for this two month.i doubt this year will be a good year for me. everything happen on me are just unlucky. it makes me come to the conclusion of having no confidence in myself. i guess i should just pretend and move on with my daily life ahead. i am really lost in everything.

why does everyday seems so long and dreadful? i learnt that pain is a lonely thing. its impossible to understand one's pain. there is so many things in me that i wanted to say. but i just couldnt. i really dont know why. i could only just put it all in my mind. i dont know who to turn to. i dont know who to trust. i do not know how to describe my thoughts. but i could remember everything vivdly. nevertheless, i miss you, zjse*

Blogged @ 1:27 AM
Don't let me go -

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Once again i am back.
i knew that i have been away for too long. time flies. seven months had passed, i could see my reader are fallen asleep with my quiet post and my tagboard are silent as well. leave me a tag if you are still around awaiting for my updates. i appreciate you all.

it had been a roller coaster period for the past seven months. i knew that with the constant support from my friends around me, i have managed to get through some lowest peak period. this entry perhaps will be a long post if you are not interested, you may ignore, for those who bother, thanks I appreciate it. let me have a summarise of my life for the past seven months.

Firstly, i had removed all my past entries to draft. i gonna start the blog once again with my new life ahead. thus the past will be kept as memories. i had given up after waiting for one year plus. In short, i am glad that i step out of that life. thanks for the past memories. i learnt my lesson and i will never turn back again. not to further elaborate, cause i don’t wish to. if you want to know, approach me.

Secondly, i had already returned back to school. though the period is short, most importantly is i want to get out the school soon with my diploma cert. good luck to me. after studying two months in the school, i don’t really like the atmosphere due to certain reasons which i will not be elaborating in this post. perhaps in the later post. exam is around the corner, hereby wishing those preparing for the paper, all the best.

a lot of things happened around me these two months. the endless roller coaster between happiness and sorrow. the constant ups and downs of daily strife. and always the questions remain in my mind. i have no answer to it as its an endless path.

life is fragile. we will never know what will happen the next moment. its really unpredictable. sometimes i just think why humans never had this thing call emotions. nobody will ever need to go through the pains and no tears but just happiness. all these are just illusions. stress is my best friend now. sometimes when i am alone, i questions myself, who really understand me?

Lastly ;
to esjz*
i am glad that you step into my life. just in this two months, we been through a lot. be it happy or crucial times. but at a point of time, i knew that everything move on too fast. all those words i promise you i will. i know the path ahead for us to go through its not simple, but i believe we will make it through. i am glad that you are by my side whenever i need someone to turn to. to standby me and give me the advice and all. thanks for everything. i will wait for you to be mine. give both of us time. i know at times i will be thinking a lot of what is going to happen and what is going on, i hope you forgive me. with you around, i knew i will be fine from all the doubts. nevertheless, i miss you.

Blogged @ 11:50 PM
Don't let me go -

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

i have not updated my blog for a month. pardon me for those who are reading it. been busy with work, hanging out with friends and tired to blog. thus, i am here to do my update for a month stuff. bear with me with the lost post. i appreciate your effort in reading. and leave me a comment. thanks.

hours in the rain. i searched for an answer. mind full of question marks whereby there is no answer to it. i am confused. should i smiled or cried?

as mentioned i am going for my new job as account assistance. its already over. i only manage to work for one week. cause they are cutting down on labour cost. i enjoy working there for just one week. my collegues there are all friendly, helpful, caring. i learnt quite a number of new things from them over there. data entry. checking of invoices. filing. account receivable stuff.next time i will be go back to help if they need any temp part time staff. i will never forget the time spent there. thanks pamela sis.

and now i am back to working in GCW again. i admit its really tiring and tedious working over there now. for the sake of money, i got to endure with no choice. i have to see all the fake faces, suffer the scolding and more. recently got some minor problem with two girlsand one exective. everyone who know me and what its going on, will think i am not in any wrong. i guess i wont be repeating over herecause i have been repeating a lot of times. if you bother to know, feel free ask me in msn or approach me. full stop to this incident. i want to hunt for other job which can last me till end of nov. before i return back to school probably in dec.

today mark the day of our one year anniversary if we still together. time flies. how i wish we are still together. but everything is so selfish.we have already been apart for months. though i always show a smile on my face, but i am not feeling happy inside. the feelings i dont know how to describe. i am happy that i am once used to be your love. all the time spent, all the words being said, will always be in my mind no matter how long down the path. i am happy that i am able to meet up with you on this day though initially there is some disappointment. with you by my side, i fear nothing. nevertheless, you are still someone special to me.

happy 1 year anniversary to my ex bf ; ivan. takecare.
i miss o9o9o7.
if time could rewind ..

Blogged @ 11:45 PM
Don't let me go -

Thursday, August 7, 2008

just a simple post over here. i am still kicking alive though i have not updated my post for few weeks. this week have been quite a quiet week. due to the chinese 7th month, thus there is lesser event going on in the hotel. i manage to work ony for two days. pathetic. i am so bored rotting at home. next week will be calvin and me last week being regular staff in gcw. i will not be back often. he will be entering NS in one months time. i will cherish all the days i have. shall update more on this next week.

last friday went to catch movie, ' money not enough 2 ' with friends. afterwhich, headed for singing session with the hotel people. its fun hanging out with them. tuesday went to banquet chalet held at coasta sand sentosa. well, though its a very small chalet just like hut, but still we find things to occupy ourselves from the boredom. afterall, there is always memories left behind.

what is life? what is love? everything is just so complicating. yes i do agree life is precious but on the other hand i could say its fragile as well. for this few months, i heard a lot of fatal accident. though they are not my friends. but upon hearing those news, i felt pity for it. somehow rather i agree that nothing is forever. only death is forever. once its gone, it will be gone forever. we should cherish what we have. be it good or bad. cause those are all memories. we never know what will happen during the next hour. things happen too unpredictable.

i may be here typing happily but i might be gone the next hour. nobody knows. am i true to say, ' people wont realise how a person is important or precious to them until they are gone' ?
to regret it will be too late cause the person wont exit anymore.

all this while, i have always been pretending to make myself look happier. its just so hard. so hurt afterall. you have never ignore me ever since we know each other, even after being apart we still text and keep in contact. until 17/7/o8 till 21/7/o8. this four days you never reply my text. not even once. the last msg i received on 17/7/o8 4:33pm. all these days i have been feeling miserable. what is wrong? to reflect myself, what i have done wrong. why are you ignoring me? i sent out several text to you to apologise if i am wrong. but i dint get any response back until 22/7/o8 12:36am. i knew i am being naive. i still think of you during these four days when you are ignoring me all because i care. i am really disappointed cause i never knew that you will ignore me. you once promise me you will not ignore me despite of what. sigh. i hope this wont happen again. though there is bits of misunderstanding out there due to me thinking too much, everything just end it with a full stop.

i am glad that i am able to throw out all my feelings over here. if one day i would just apart just out of sudden, *touch wood* at least there is still memories of me. and people who are close to me know what i have been going through. thus i woudnt bottle up everything in my brain.

sometimes i hope you are around looking at my blog. cause i dont have the courage to say it out verbally anymore. no matter what you will be someone special to me once before and always.

you will always be a part of me;
but i am part of you indefinitely.
* ivan.

Blogged @ 7:14 PM
Don't let me go -